I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
