Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
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Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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