Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
