I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
