How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
