I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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