His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
