Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
