Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
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I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
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We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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