My friends, they love my intelligence
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
