Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My pussy is not your playground.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
