Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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