So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
