So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
