Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
