the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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