Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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