I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
