tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
