In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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