Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
