you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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