So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
