Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
