I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
