Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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