My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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