I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
