We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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