Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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