pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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