This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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