I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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