I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
