Im at strip club and am horny
I just saw a hot homeless man
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
