apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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