I can tuck mytits in my pants
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
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She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
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My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bring me that man meat
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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