I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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