Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
