I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
