Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
