We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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