its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
