Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
