The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
be right there i have to get my cape
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
