how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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