Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
