I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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