with your own penis?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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