Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
