kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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