your parents love me but you hate me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
