What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My vagina is officially offended.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
