I need to stop coming to work sober
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
