FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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